The Levels of Intoxication You Will Experience When You Go Out To The Bar

Originally published on the ThoughtCatalog on 9/25/13

Alcohol supposedly releases your inhibitions and allows you to do and say things you never thought you could.

For some people, like shy “Jane Doe” who has no friends because she’s too scared to approach anyone, this is an amazing thing. Being under the influence allows her to forget her insecurities, live outside of herself, and ignore the fear of failure. It’s a heady thing, but, sometimes, it goes too far.

You’re alone in a crowded bar, waiting for your friends and wearing an alluring outfit that, while looks amazing on you, isn’t really you. You hover uncertainly near the crowded bar, unsure how to navigate your way closer as a blur of people swirl around you. When you finally get there, it takes you a good five minutes to get the bartender to notice you, a feat you accomplish while people already holding their drinks watch you with abject amusement. You are further embarrassed when you have to repeat your drink order several times since you can’t be heard over the din.

You collect your drink, rum and coke is always the safest bet, and down it quickly to calm your nerves. As soon as the drink is done, the whole room slows down for you and you can breathe again. You look around for a bit, noticing the strapping young men in attendance, but are relieved when your friends finally arrive.

Two Drinks

You push your way back to the bar, friends in tow, and find the bartender who has just served you. She doesn’t remember you, so you re-order your rum and coke, remembering to enunciate this time. As you sip your drink, you notice an attractive Hugo Boss-type eyeing you from across the bar. But, then again, your eyesight isn’t too great, so there’s a pretty good chance you’re seeing things. You decide it’s much better not to risk it, and immediately avert your eyes.

Your friends collect their own, equally standard beverages and you form a shy, giggly circle facing each other, eyes furtively darting around the bar, scoping out the scene. Your eyes continuously return to Hugo Boss and, as you drain your drink, you become increasingly certain that he had, in fact, been eyeing you.

Three Drinks

Determined to approach Hugo Boss, you make your next drink a shot and throw it back aggressively. Ignoring the fact that you’re a little wobbly in the legs, you make your way around the bar, one select friend following closely behind and clutching your hand. You stumble into Hugo Boss and push off him to regain your balance. He turns towards you, giving you his full attention and you brazenly introduce yourself, saying something along the lines of “I saw you looking at me, why didn’t you come over?”, to which he responds by buying you another drink.

Four Drinks

You drink this one quickly, ignoring your distaste for tequila while not taking your eyes off of him. Despite conversing for the next fifteen minutes, you learn absolutely nothing about him and spend most of your energy trying to remain upright while still appearing interested in whatever it is the he’s talking about. When asked a question, you belatedly respond with an overly loud and shrill statement that is irrelevant to the topic, but, luckily for you, he is also too intoxicated to notice anything amiss.

Somewhere along the line he decides to buy a round of shots for everyone he made friends with in the last hour. Through your drunken haze, you feel mighty special since this big baller has his arm around you while toasting his tequila shot to a crowd of equally inebriated people.

Four or more Drinks

You wake up violently the next morning on your girlfriend’s couch with a queasy stomach and throbbing temple. As it turns out, you threw back your free tequila shot, spat it all over your new boyfriend, and then spent the next thirty minutes face down in a toilet.

Moral of the story? Once you go above two drinks, you’re probably going to miss out on the guy anyways, in addition to waking up with a pounding headache the next morning. Save yourself the trouble and just learn how to flirt while you’re standing upright.


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