You know the phrase “You dress for the job you want, not the job you have”?
Well, here’s a new version of that phrase: “Act for the relationship you want, not the relationship you have.”
My friend’s friends gave her this advice. We were walking down the street reflecting on the latest developments between her and her current romantic interest because, after a recent baecation they took, my friend was strongly considering having “the talk.”
Personally, I am vehemently against the talk. Relationships should happen as organically as possible. In my eyes, if you feel the need to discuss where you stand, there’s no chance you stand where you’re hoping you stand, and the talk is just going to either:
(1) compel him to do what you’re looking for, which he will inevitably resent at some point, causing the relationship to eventually deteriorate, or
(2) oblige him to admit he is not looking for what you’re looking for, forcing you to either retreat from the relationship in embarrassment, or maintain the relationship, as is, while sullenly wondering what the fuck his problem is.
Either way, my advice is to just let the chips fall where they may, using his actions, rather than his words, to determine whether the two of you are on the path you are hoping for.
Of course, I had already foisted all of this unrequested information on my friend, so she was now trying to figure out other options, excluding the talk, which would remove her unending sense of confusion about where they stood.
Enter her other friends, suggesting the above phrase: “Just start having the relationship you want.” Okay, personally, I find this absolutely hilarious. It’s basically telling a girl that, regardless of what the man is doing, she should just go ahead and be his girlfriend, make him your boyfriend, but don’t worry about making sure he’s aware of it.
My friend, using this sound, sound, wisdom, is literally planning on doing all of the things a girlfriend would do… the texting, the cooking, the inviting-over, the shameless drunk texting… whatever the guy’s preference is be damned.
Yes, hilarious, but, now that I am seriously thinking about it, also kind of brilliant. Many of us, as women, are forever waiting for the man to show us he is ready for what we want. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and oh, wait, all of a sudden, I’m a f*ckin’ skeleton.
With this theory, my friend doesn’t have to wait for this guy. She’s just going to do all of the things she wants to do with him. She’s going to chat with him, hang out with him, cook for him, vacation with him, whatever… and he will do those things with her, or he won’t.
If he won’t, guess what? She gets to skip the talk because, at that point, it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t want her as his girlfriend. Move on.
If he does, guess what? She gets to skip the talk because she’s doing all of the things she wants to do with the person she wants to do them with, and he will continue doing all of those things with her until he realizes he’s her boyfriend.
At that point, he either is totally okay with it, or has to break it off because, omg wait, no, that’s not what I wanted!
Point is, act for the relationship you want, not the relationship you have… f*ck the talk. To me, this applies to whether you are hoping to get into the relationship, or if you’re already in the relationship, but are hoping something is going to change.