My Year in a Nutshell

This is fascinating, because exactly a year ago today, I graduated from college. To commemorate the moment, I took a quick look over the year and realized that for a person who has done absolutely nothing, I did a whole heck of a lot of sh*t.
So, here it goes, in descending order, my year… in a nutshell:

6 Places I Have Lived

1. I graduated living in a college dorm room in Boston that had four rooms; one of which was occupied by my ex-best friend who enjoyed glaring at me from her open doorway when I would walk past, another of which was occupied by a thirty-something year old special needs student with codependency issues who liked to hover around my door waiting for me to come and go, and the last of which was occupied by a lesbian squatter who neither lived there, nor went to our school.  Classic.

2. My first full-time job out of college put me up in a hotel suite in Boston for the first couple of weeks until I could find an apartment.  Long story short- by the time the three weeks were up, I had roughly 5-6 freeloaders sprawled around the room using up my king bed, sofa bed, sofa chairs, and floor space.  Granted, I was never lonely.

3. Next, I found a sublet in Boston with two law students from Northeastern University. We never spoke, we cleaned up our own messes, and watched TrueBlood together on Sunday nights.  It was perfection.

4. When that sublet ended, I migrated up a street to another sublet, where it turned out I was actually an illegal sublet and my rent checks were bouncing.  My less-than-friendly roommates attempted to have me arrested, even after I went to the realtor’s office and sorted everything out, so, on Christmas Day, I rented a UHaul and moved all of my belongings into storage, save for a single suitcase.  All the while, I was making plans to get another apartment… not a sublet.  However, a close friend of mine, through a series of random circumstances, ended up swiping roughly $1,500 from me, preventing me from nabbing a new apartment.

5. After that, I switched to my best friend’s studio apartment in Fenway, where we lived quite comfortably; me, her, her protective feline who liked to sit over our heads while we slept, and her codependent puppy who bawled like a baby every time she so much as stepped out of the room.

6. Then I was fired from my waitressing job and couldn’t hack living in Boston anymore, so I moved to Connecticut to, yes, you guessed it, my parents’ house. (It’s great, thanks for asking.)

5 Guys I Crushed On

1. No sooner had I graduated, than an older gentleman, whom I had met before I was legal, contacted me and we started chatting.  He was tall, athletic, very cute… just my type.  I guess I wasn’t his type, because he just stopped returning my phone calls.  Shame.

2. Towards the end of the summer, my manager caught my eye.  He was totally not my type, but something about a muscly man in charge just gets my juices flowing, so it didn’t matter that he was a red-head, or around my height.  In all honesty, I’m still not sure what went wrong with that one… maybe because he was my manager?  Nah, that can’t be it.

3. You know those guys that when you date them, you know you’re slumming it, but you do it anyways because it’s safe, but then they get super cocky and treat you like dirt?  Yeah, him.  He was number 3.

4. The one that got away contacted me right after I moved back home.  He still got away.  ‘Nuff said… but I’ll try again next time.

5. I ran into someone I knew from high school at a bar in West Hartford.  He was… grown… and, dare I say it, sexy?  *Fans self* Hi, remember me?

4 New Skills Learned

1. The art of selfie.  I only got an Instagram recently, and I definitely spent the first several months feeling as though a selfie would mark me as highly conceited.  I actually took some sincere pride in swiping through all of my pictures and noting that there was not one selfie in the lot.  Unfortunately, the selfie is an addictive tool.  I took one (and by one I mean 100 until I found the perfect one) one weak night when my crush was ignoring me, and the hunger was born.  I am now the proud owner of 40-50 selfies, all taken with increasing skill over the last year.

2. How to not talk during movies. Personally, I still don’t see the issue with talking through the movies.  I’m pretty sure everyone should be absolutely fascinated by the things I have to say during movies. Regardless, I’ve gotten it down to a brief chuckle, but I hold my tongue pretty well.  I mean, it’s still a shame.  I’m freakin’ funny.

3. Celebrity speak.  In the last year, I have had random run-ins with quite a few celebrities, including, but not limited to, Cameron Diaz, Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds, Jason Segel, John Cena, and Robert Redford.  I have progressed from bug-eyed, screeching their name as they raise their eyebrows at me bemusedly, to muttering to random strangers fictitious tales about my imagined relationships with them, to finally being able to calmly look them in the eyes and treat them as normal human beings.  That is, until they walk away and I burst into a fit of giggles.  It’s a work in progress.

4. How to Make Friends and Not Alienate People (Yep, just like the movie… sorta).  Apparently, I can be a bit of a bitch.  So, I’ve placed “smiling” at the forefront of my repertoire, I’ve stopped telling people when I think they’re being stupid, and most importantly, when someone I don’t know approaches me, I don’t glare at them until they go away.  Not gonna lie, I don’t hate the results so far.

3 Big Girl Jobs

1. I was one of the lucky kids to have a job lined up even before graduation.  I was going to work for the circus.  Yes, the circus… with elephants, and clowns, and tigers… yeah, all that.  It was an awesome experience, but way too much traveling and I missed home, I missed going out at night, I missed being in college, I missed being a kid.  I guess you could say I just wasn’t about that work life… so I quit.

2. Surprisingly enough, I was hired almost immediately at a PR firm in Boston.  The location was dope, my coworkers were lovely,  the job was boring, and the pay was crap.  Rather than shoot myself, I left.

3. After I moved back home, I searched in vain for a job actually in my field of choice, until I found the absolute perfect job: working as an associate producer for a television station.  I love it, I love it, I love it… (Rihanna/Cockiness voice)  And no, don’t worry, I will not be leaving this one anytime soon.

2 Waitressing Jobs

1. I snagged a full-time waitressing job at a super popular bar on Boylston Street.  Not gonna lie, for a recent college grad struggling to hold onto her youth, waitressing was the best.  Main issues?  One of the managers was a racist pervert who informed me that unless a patron was five-finger squeezing my booty, I really shouldn’t be complaining about them touching me, and another one was a perpetually drunk control-freak who eventually fired me for eating a cup of chili before the restaurant officially opened.  Dude… you drink margaritas out of beer pitchers.  I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed.

2.  I next tried a classier joint.  The management was fantastic, but, personally, I don’t look awesome in collared shirts.  Not to mention, I need a little bit of man candy in my life, and for some reason, only queens work at fancy restaurants…if you catch my meaning.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved them, but there’s only so much fun one can have with a man who is entirely uninterested in your, ahem, goodies.

1 Hedgehog

Yes, a hedgehog. His name is Harley, short for Harlequin, and I got him a couple months after graduation.  He is not my pride and joy; in fact, he’s a huge pain in the butt.  He doesn’t like the same television shows as me, he loves sneaking out of his cage and hiding places I can’t find him, he insists on exercising while I’m trying to sleep, and he angry snuffles at me the entire time I try and sing to him.  But, I still love him.

Whew. I wonder what’s gonna happen next year.

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