Don Jon

Is it just me, or do the scenes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt actually having sex in Don Jon completely ruin the movie?

I mean, realistically speaking, with a man who gets down like that, you would expect one of the hundreds of women he plucks and chucks (excuse the awkward phrasing) would retaliate by mentioning how completely wack he is in bed.  Now, I enjoy a shirtless JoGo just as much as the next girl, but I want to see him kicking butt and taking names, not awkwardly pumping away at some poor chick whose head is flailing around in what looks like an extremely uncomfortable series of girl push-ups.  You know… the ones that chicks who don’t work out do on their knees because they don’t have the upper body strength to raise and lower their bodies properly?

Now, from my point of view, a girl who, when she was 17, spent a weekend in New York with her best friend trying to find JoGo’s actual apartment (with no success, I might add), this is extremely disappointing; best described by a quote from 27 Dresses:

I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.

Now the movie, aside from all of that, is hilariously entertaining.  Scarlett Johansson‘s tacky Jersey accent is perfect.  Her character is hot, trashy, affected, deliciously curvaceous, self-centered, and a complete romantic.  Yes, I have kind of a little girl crush on her… even though her name kind of sucks.  Tony Danza is still a sexy piece of way-too-old, despite the completely creepy scene when he first meets Barbara and you can tell he wants nothing more than to motor-boat her real quick.  If the father of the guy I’m dating ever oogles my goodies, trust me, that relationship is not going anywhere.  Julianne Moore is her normal adorably pushy self, although one has to wonder why she chose to stand in a doorway and bawl her eyes out?  If I had to pick five places to cry where I could make sure someone would run into me, a doorway would probably be my first choice.

The break-up scene is one of my favorite.  It’s like a perfect example of one of Dane Cook’s stand-up routines about break-ups.

I will say this… JoGo and Scarlett make a pretty hot couple, especially when he’s doing his Guido thing, but I just can’t seem to get around how a beautiful girl like her would be satisfied with a guy who humps like he’s failing at the worm on a 90s dance floor.  I’m not feeling it.  I’m actually annoyed by it.  It’s like my fantasies just blew up in my face.  I keep re-watching the movie, hoping to find some sort of deeper analysis to it that could explain away the clearly awful sex scenes.  Maybe it’s supposed to be some sort of irony that “The Don” isn’t actually good at sex… perhaps a metaphor for reality:

It doesn’t matter how good it seems… it really isn’t.

No… I don’t think that’s it.

As much as it breaks my heart to say this… I think that’s the best JoGo can do in bed… but then again- maybe that’s supposed to explain his obsession with porn?

Still luh u doe,  JoGo.

Also, as a mostly unrelated side note, JoGo is the co-founder of his company, hitRECord, so if there are any 17 year old girls out there who are anything like I was at that age… that seems like the best starting point for any of you with stalker tendencies. 😉

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