When They Just Want to be Friends

Unless you get married, inevitably every relationship ends, usually one of four ways:

1.) You maturely both look at each other, realize you no longer belong together, and part on mutually cool terms, wishing each other the best.

2.) You realize that you might still belong together, but one or both of you are just not in a place where staying in a relationship will have a positive outcome, so you regretfully part ways, leaving at least one party fairly devastated.

3.) Despite realizing that you no longer belong together, one or both parties is too afraid of being alone, so you attempt to salvage your relationship, culminating in a fairly violent ending that leaves one or both parties severely pissed off.

4.) He/she cheated and you weren’t dumb enough to stick around.

For whatever reason, I usually get Option #2, which sucks, by the way.

And they ALWAYS want to be friends after.

What I really should say is “Oh. Well, I already have enough friends, so unless one of them dies I don’t really have room for another one.  Sorry.”  But it always comes out like “Oh! Yeah, friends is cool.  We were friends first, anyways, right?

First of all, no, we weren’t friends first.  Second of all, if I had wanted to be friends with you, then I probably would have avoided having sex with you.  It’s this weird thing I do when I’m just friends with someone… I try not to sleep with them.  I don’t know, I’m weird like that.

So why on Earth do I always say it’s cool?

Mostly because I’m pretty sure that if we try being just friends and hanging out, eventually you’ll cave and will want to be intimate again.  And I’m willing to bet that anybody who gets dumped and comes up with the “let’s be friends” solution thinks the exact same thing.  Unfortunately, more times than not, the eventual intimacy is usually just a moment of weakness that quickly passes and rarely turns back into a healthy relationship.

In the end, the dumped party ends up feeling used and getting all hurt and angry.  Then you lash out at them, but they’re confused because they thought you knew that it was just sex and it didn’t mean anything… after all you’re just friends, right?  You sullenly agree with them to their face, even though you really just want to punch them in the throat for being so oblivious, you say some stupid stuff on social media that you’re gonna wanna take down a couple days later, you delete their number but end up accidentally memorizing it, drunk text them a couple of times until you annoy them to the point where even the thought of you makes them annoyed.  Then you look crazy and life just got really awkward all of a sudden.

All of that could have been avoided if you had just let yourself get dumped, ate some ice cream, and moved on with your life.

The key thing is to recognize that when somebody dumps you and tells you that they still want to be friends, they don’t actually want to be friends.  I’ve made that mistake before and then got confused as to why “being friends” to you means you don’t speak to me unless you need someobodys number from my phone.  But, once I realized that when you say “we can still be friends, obviously“, what you really mean is “since I don’t want to see you anymore, I’m a little nervous you might start talking badly about me, so I want to make sure that we’re still cool but I’d prefer if you didn’t bother me unless it’s an emergency” everything made a lot more sense.  They don’t want to be your friend and you shouldn’t want to be their friend, so it could be a win-win if you have the right perspective.

Moral of the story?  Come on now, I shouldn’t have to tell you that.  Quit trying to be buddies with people that have seen you naked.  It’s not a thing, trust me.   Just let ’em go.

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