Why Water Parks Are No Longer Fun

In the tradition of “Throwback Thursday”, I was scanning through my old mobile photos and came across one from my last trip to Six Flags.  It was senior year of college and, despite what the picture depicted, had not been fun at all.  I sat there, puzzled and staring at my phone, wondering how that could possibly be.

Water parks are fun.  That’s their whole purpose… how could I not have had fun?

I thought back through the events of the day and came up with the following list of the top five reasons water parks are no longer fun.

1.) Money

It sucks when your parents aren’t there to pay for stuff.  This sounds corny, I know, but, let’s be honest.  Isn’t everything much more fun when you don’t have a spending limit?  I remember literally cringing every time I handed over a dollar to play any of the arcade games, before finally throwing my hands up and shelling out a cool $15 on a claw game in an attempt to win an IPod shuffle.  I had a verbal disagreement with the guy behind the Dip ‘N Dots cart over the outrageous $5 expected for some pebbles of ice cream.  Come on now, what is that?    Mom, Dad, if you’re reading this… take me to Six Flags.  I miss your money.

2.) Aesthetics

Okay, maybe this doesn’t apply to guys, but it is a huge concern for me.  Yes, Maybelline  claims their make-up is waterproof, but I have pictures to prove it is not.  Call me crazy, but I don’t fancy enjoying a steep ride down a water slide, sloshing my way over to the picture booth, and spotting a picture of a sad clown with my skin color and cheekbones enjoying my ride.  I don’t know about you, but I look terrible with black streaks painting my cheeks.  Don’t even get me started on what happens to my hair without the proper creme.  I miss the glory days of my youth, tra la la-ing around without caring that the person I most closely resembled was Hector Zeroni from Holes.

3.) Sex

You’re at an amusement park, what are you doing thinking about sex?  I don’t know!  I can’t control it!  I spent three hours trying to pick out an outfit for Six Flags and, when I got there, it was still wrong!  My shorts weren’t short enough, my shoes didn’t properly display my well-manicured toes, and I should have worn the belly shirt.  And, omigosh, the guy working the game booth was so cute.  My crush was there, did he want to ride the Ferris Wheel?  Of course not.  Did he want to win a prize for me?  Of course not, shut up.  Why didn’t he sit next to me during our lunch break? Gosh, it’s exhausting.

4.) Perspective

Is it just me, or is nothing scary anymore?  I, for one, have always been the biggest scaredy-cat when it comes to roller coasters.  I don’t like the idea of leaving important internal organs behind just to go plummeting down some rickety wooden/steel contraption controlled by electricity and wiring.  I mean, come on, how often does your television crap out on you?  Are you really willing to risk your life at the hands of something made out of the same faulty materials?  This time, however, I was like “Bring it on!”  I went on every rollercoaster Six Flags had to offer: Green Lantern, Superman, The Dark Knight, El Toro, Kinga Ka, Bizarro, Slingshot, Nitro, The Twister… you name it, I did it.  And I didn’t even pee myself.  What’s next, suckas?!

5.)  Cleanliness

I never noticed this before, but have you seen how many kids are swimming around in the pools?  Just imagining how much pee must be in there is giving me hives.  If you’re at a classy joint like Disney World, you don’t have to worry as much, because Walt was nice enough to decree that all water come with that awesome blue stuff that turns purple when it comes into contact with urine. *High-five*  Six Flags, though?  Not so much… it’s pretty touch and go.  You’re swimming around, minding your business, and then a wave of warm water swirls around your legs?  You’re lying if you tell me you don’t freak out and and do that weird hoppy thing people do to escape water at the beach.

Kinda makes you miss your youth, doesn’t it?

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