I don’t know about you, but, personally, I blame Disney for the reason that I’m still single.
As an eight-year old child watching these movies, I erroneously assumed that when I was older, ‘Prince Charming’ would appear, sweep me off my feet, carry me off yonder balcony and we would live happily ever after.
Now, fifteen years later, I would settle for just being swept.
At this point in life, I have come to the conclusion that 21st century society prevents the fairy tale ending.
To back up my conclusion, I have written the most popular fairy tales, and then subjected them to 21st century conditions.
Cinderella walks into the palace for the ball in booty shorts, stilettos, and a crop top, borrowed from her evil stepsisters’ closets.
Prince Charming spots her, sidles over to her and says “Hey baby, I saw you from across the room and I couldn’t resist coming over here and telling you how beautiful you are. Since I’m the prince and all, I live here, so you should come kick it with me upstairs; I’ll treat you so good.”
They go upstairs, end up sleeping together because she doesn’t get out much and therefore doesn’t know any better, and when she realizes what time it is, runs out, leaving one of her stilettos behind.
After she leaves, Prince Charming realizes he doesn’t know how to get in touch with her again, but decides it’s way too much effort to try and find her, so he rolls over and goes back to sleep.
Nine months later, Cinderella gives birth to Prince Charming’s baby, but when he won’t claim it, takes him onto Maury to do a public paternity test. She lives off alimony for the next 18 years.
Beauty and the Beast
Belle and Beast butt heads during their first day living together, but Beast eventually realizes that, in order to get what he wants from her, he needs to be a lot friendlier and buy her things.
Within the next couple of days, they become friends and Beast becomes even more attracted to Belle, mostly because he is so hard up. When Belle’s father gets sick, Beast allows her to leave, unwittingly inciting the wrath of her sort-of-ex boyfriend.
In the ensuing smack-down, Gaston tumbles to his death, but Beast is mortally wounded. Unfortunately, when Belle cries over his prostrate form and says “Please don’t leave me, I love you…” nothing magical happens, because 1.) you can’t fall in love with someone in the span of two days and 2.) he’s a completely different species from her, so realistically… no.
Belle has a private burial for Beast, but ends up marrying a man who owns a bookstore and spends the rest of her days talking about how she “could have been a princess”, until he divorces her in annoyance.
The Little Mermaid
Ariel is found by Eric on the beach, naked and mute, which, strangely, turns him on. He ends up making out with her within the first twenty minutes, breaking the witch’s curse and allowing her to both speak and stay a human.
After learning that she has literally no where else to go, Eric is uneasy with the idea of her moving in with him, but doesn’t feel like he has an alternative. He finds her obvious love for him annoying, but ends up sleeping with her a few times because he’s bored and she’s, well, really hot.
After crying herself to sleep many nights, Ariel remembers that she’s actually a princess and deserves something better, so she gets a job and moves out of Eric’s palace. Initially, Eric is relieved, but after bumping into her a year or so later and seeing how good she’s doing, realizes what a huge mistake he made.
By that time, Ariel has a new boyfriend, so Eric gets swerved.
Aladdin meets Jasmine and knows that he isn’t good enough for her because he’s, you know, homeless and all, so he remakes himself into a fake prince with the help of a magic lamp. After defeating an evil sorcerer and professing his undying love to Jasmine, Aladdin becomes the Sultan.
As Sultan, Aladdin is swarmed by beautiful (and not-so-beautiful) women every day, and, as evidenced by his behavior when he was homeless, Aladdin loves the ladies. Unfortunately, one such time that he steps out on Jasmine (with two women, no less!), she catches him and breaks off the engagement.
Since Aladdin freed the genie, him and Abu end up back on the street, and Jasmine decides to start dating instead of selecting a husband just based on pedigree (she realized she was only with Aladdin because he would piss off her father and the baggy pants/vest ensemble was actually kind of sexy).
Aurora is dancing through the woods with her headphones in, singing along to whatever alternative music she likes to listen to and Philip hears her while riding around on his horse. He calls out to her several times but she doesn’t hear him, so he reaches out and grabs her.
She freaks out, but he calms her down. He then proceeds to spit some game at her, using choice phrases like, “Apart from being sexy, what else do you do for a living?” and “Is that a mirror in your pocket? ‘Cause I can see myself in your pants.” (Phillip doesn’t have much game after being cooped up in a castle all his life and playing fantasy games)
Naturally, Aurora shoots him down abruptly and resumes her IPod dance through the woods. Phillip is both insulted and angered by her dismissal, and goes home, stewing. Aurora recounts the tale to her fairy aunts, who scold her for not being nicer to the poor boy, but she still thinks she’s too good for him.
After Aurora pricks her finger on a spindle and falls into a coma, her parents come to Phillip to break the curse. Remembering her earlier treatment of him, he shrugs, says “Serves her right”, and carries on living his life. Aurora stays in her canopied bed sleeping, and Phillip marries an equally corny hunny he met in his weekly Dungeons and Dragons group who thought his pick-up lines were hilarious.
Snow White and her Prince sing a duet and decide they’re in love because their voices sound super good together. However, since she’s too shy to say hello to him, and he’s too easily distracted to pursue her further, he leaves.
After Snow White discovers that her stepmother, The Queen, tried to have her killed, she runs away and makes friends with seven dwarves who insist that she go down to the police station and get a restraining order.
The restraining order works for some time, until The Queen craftily disguises herself as an old woman and is able to offer Snow White a poison apple. Snow White, however, is no dummy and doesn’t take fruit from an unknown, elderly woman’s gnarled hands (I mean, did she even wash her hands?). After the woman is extra persistent, Snow White becomes suspicious and realizes it’s actually The Queen in disguise. After a not-so-epic verbal throw-down between the two women, the police are called and The Queen is thrown in jail.
Snow White lives happily ever after, doing her housewife thing for her dwarves, and The Prince continues frolicking around the kingdom singing random duets with random girls.