I don’t care what anybody says- they did it way better back in the day.
People are always asking me why I don’t date and then gasping when I say “because I don’t like to date.” Let me rephrase that:
I hate dating 21st century guys.
You boys have no idea what’s going on or what’s appropriate, you get huffy when a girl takes the time to try and educate you, and your unique blend of awkward/stupid/rude makes me dread the idea of being in a one-on-one situation with you.
Here is a not-so-brief list of pointers for you to internalize, categorized by the steps of a date:
*Getting the girl to say ‘yes’ to the date*
- Be sincere
Nobody wants to say ‘yes’ to a strutting, peacocking, self-absorbed boy whose first reaction to disinterest is to lash out rudely. Be honest with the girl. However, if that honesty means you admitting that you’re only asking her out with the hope of getting into her pants, you should probably go back to your video games because that’s all the action you deserve.
- Say what you mean
I have enough friends already, so don’t ask me to ‘hang out’ or ‘meet up’. Be a man and actually ask me out. I am not any man’s half-time, down-time, spare-time, or sometimes… so don’t waste my time.
- Don’t make sexual jokes
I just met you and am therefore still trying to decide if I want to risk assault to be alone with you. At that point in our “relationship”, sexual jokes are for rapists and That’s what she said jokes are for thirteen year-olds, neither of which I am inclined to date. Sorry, not sorry.
*Getting the girl to actually go on the date*
- Pick an appropriate time and place
No, that does mean tonight. After I agree to go out with you, don’t look at me with a crafty expression and mention something about pizza and beer at your place down the street. Show me that I’m worth it by taking the time to actually plan out a date.
- Don’t text creepy sh*t
Just because you convinced me to go out with you doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind. In fact, if it took a lot of convincing for me to say ‘yes’, trust me when I say that I am probably looking for a reason to cancel. A simple did I forget to mention how bangin’ yo body is text is definitely reason enough for me.
- Check in the day of
We’re all busy people, and I’m inclined to assume you may have forgotten about our date if I don’t hear from you the day of, and will therefore not show up. Nobody likes to feel stupid waiting alone at a restaurant.
*Getting the girl to enjoy the date*
- Don’t over-compliment
Yes, tell me I look pretty when you first see me and then maybe once during the date in the most sincere manner possible, but anymore than that and you start to sound lecherous. I know I look good, dude. Once we establish that you know it too, we can drop it. Contrary to popular belief, I am also well aware of all of my assets, so you don’t need to bring them to my attention.
- Be a gentleman
Stand up when I arrive, pull out my chair, ask me how my day was, make me feel comfortable, don’t use your cellphone, pay the bill… all that jazz. Remember, as this is our first date, I am judging you. I am watching how you interact with the waiter, how you interact with others, and, most importantly, how you interact with me.
- Give her control
Just because I showed up, doesn’t mean I trust you. Make me feel as though I am in complete control over the situation. If I want to go back to your place, it’s up to me and you will not pressure me. If I want to take home my leftovers, it’s up to me and you will not judge me. It’s harder than it sounds, I know.
It’s amazing how these simple things completely baffle the average 21st century male… we will cover post-date etiquette in another post; another simple topic that appears to elude most men.