What We Wish We Could Say to the Guys We’ve Slept With…

Below, please find a series of entertaining, albeit mildly rude, yet brief letters to our exes.  These were randomly written by myself and several friends, who shall remain anonymous.  Enjoy 🙂

Dear Number 2,

I’m not sure what I was thinking, but you did us both a favor by cutting me out of your life.  You sleep on your best friend’s couch, you work at Best Buy, and you creep in the back of everyone elses’ lives.  You’re annoying.  Trust me, we all think so.

Sincerely,

I’m So Glad To Be Out Of Your Life

Dear Number 4, 

I secretly hate you.  How dare you have the audacity to think that you are better than me when we all know you should be happy that anyone who looks as good as me would give you the time of day.  I get slightly grossed out when I see your man-boobs shake above me while we are in missionary for 20 minutes straight.

Sincerely,

I’m Mad We’re Still Having Sex (Enjoy it While it Lasts)

Dear Number 5,

Thank you for reaffirming my belief that younger guys are NOT the way to go, and I’m cool that we’re not friends anymore.  By the way, you probably should stop telling people you’re well-endowed.  We all watch porn.

Sincerely,

I’ve Had White Boys Bigger Than You

Dear Number 3,

You’re not interesting enough to write a full letter to, so let’s just suffice it to say that with all the girls you’ve slept with, I expected you would have at least learned how to put it down.

Sincerely,

I’m Mad You Weren’t Even Worth The Drama

Dear Number 7,

You broke my heart and I would’ve still been mad, but then I realized you are a sociopath.  Congrats on your threesome, and enjoy college because your life is going to suck as soon as you graduate.

Sincerely,

It’s Cool Because You’re Probably Going To Get Herpes

Dear Number 1,

I feel so sorry for your beautiful girlfriend who has to deal with the lying, cheating bum that you are.  I ‘m glad she came to her senses and moved on, even though it’s surprising how long it took considering the fact that your man-part most closely resembles a pencil.

Sincerely,

You’re Probably Going To Be Alone For The Rest Of Your Life

Dear Number 6,

I’m so sorry I hurt you, but honestly, it’s not my fault that I was in love with you for, like, 8 years and then when I finally got you, you were terrible in bed.  Thanks for asking me to marry you but I can’t be with a husband who can’t satisfy me.

Sincerely,

Sorry I Haven’t Figured Out How To Masturbate Yet

Dear Number 2,

The fact that after 3 years we can’t even have a normal conversation without you saying something disrespectful is beyond me.  Yes, I do still care about you, however, your constant need for sexual variety makes me glad we’re no longer together.  Please stop hitting me up.

Sincerely,

Having A Faithful Girl Is Better Than Having A Roomful Of Hoes

Special thanks to all my girls who contributed 🙂

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5 Comments

  1. Maybe I’ve been lucky. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy. Or maybe I’m just being naive. But I think most of my letters would read, “well, that was fun, thanks for being a part of my life, good luck with the rest of yours.” … OK, and also maybe, “(if we can still hook up on the sideb like 10 years from now, that’d be sweet. Call me!).”

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      1. Yes, but every time I was hurt, I did it, at least in part, to myself. Part of getting older (for me) is recognizing that, and not holding other people accountable for the fact that they decided, just like I do, to occaslsionally or even frequently put their needs above my own. No hard feelings: it’s just life 😉

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