Are You Dating Anybody?

There are two types of college kids… those who go home often and those who don’t.

As a proud member of the latter group, my family is relegated to utilizing phone calls and emails as the only method of contacting me, other than waiting for the occasional Bat Mitzvah, Christening, Graduation, Wedding, or Funeral (unfortunately).  As dutiful relatives, they are naturally mildly interested in my classes, career plans, and general opinions on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and we usually pass a good 15 minutes discussing those things.  Eventually, however, they all get down to the nitty gritty and ask the only question any of them are really interested in:

For the shy ones, like my uncles and grandfathers, it’s “So, uh, how are the fellas treating you?”

For the bold ones, like my younger female cousins and grandmothers, it’s “Are you dating anyone?”

For the mocking ones, like my older cousins, younger male cousins, and aunts, it’s “Do you have a boyfriend yet?”

And for the ones who already know my business, like my parents and close friends, it’s “Are you planning on having a boyfriend anytime soon?”

The thing that I’ve learned through several years of trials and tribulations, is to never tell the truth.  This is because no matter how minute the detail you let slip is, they will remember.  They are like elephants… never forgetting anything. especially when it pertains to the timeline for expanding the family.  Also, they don’t really want to know the truth, especially when you’re a twenty-something female.  For us, in the eyes of our family, being 20 and single is the depressing equivalent of being 15 and not in school.

If you’re single and in college, it’s probably not because you’re so focused on school that you just haven’t had time.  Most likely, it’s because you want to enjoy your collegiate experience by whoring around (which you really shouldn’t be telling your grandparents anyways), or, as in my case, all of the potentials were college boys who didn’t know how to treat a girl right and ended up pulling some jerk move several weeks/months into the “relationship” (also something no one wants to hear).

So below are my patented, general responses to familial inquiries about the status of my love life, depending on my mood at the time of the question:

So, uh, how are the fellas treating you?

Good: Same as always… just lining up at my locker…

Bad: *look around furtively* Okay, look, don’t tell anyone, but… I may or may not actually like boys…

Neutral: Keeping my options open, living life, getting great grades… *thumbs up*

Are you dating anyone?

Good: *wink* Oh, yeah…. and it’s awesome.  Good ‘ol Brad, I mean Brian.  *shrug*

Bad: I refuse to define myself by a man!  You sound like I need to be dating someone in order to be fulfilled… What happened to Women’s Suffrage?! *stalk off*

Neutral: Depends on how you define dating… I see a lot of people, but not exclusively.  And no, before you ask, there’s no one special.  *innocent smile*

Do you have a boyfriend yet?

Good: Yes.  His name is Spike and we write to each other several times a week.  We plan to consummate as soon as he is released from prison.  Thanks for asking. *smile*

Bad: After watching you and your relationship, I’m not really into the whole dating scene. I’m sure you understand.

Neutral: If I had one, I probably would have told you about him.

Are you planning on having a boyfriend anytime soon?

Good: I mean, I could… but I’d prefer to stay choosy and make sure I don’t end up with a woman-beater… that cool with you?

Bad: I would actually prefer a husband, because this unintentional pregnancy could get awkward in a few months.

Neutral: Yes, give me the neighbor’s son’s number. *take out phone*

**20-something females… feel free to take these and run with them.  I know how hard it is 😉 **

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