Old Cow Syndrome

This post will be prefaced by a quote from my second favorite tv show How I Met Your Mother:

“It doesn’t matter how attractive your girlfriend is… she will never be as attractive as her less hot friend whose vagina you haven’t seen yet.”

True story, bro.


With that in mind, let’s discuss Old Cow Syndrome, which is a theory from a movie called Someone Like You, starring Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman. 

Old Cow Syndrome could be summed up as the “grass is greener on the other side“, but it actually goes a lot deeper than that.

Awhile ago, breeders discovered that when attempting to breed a magnificent bull, they had to rotate him through an entire herd of cows, because the bull absolutely refused to mount the same cow twice.  (FYI, mount = screw, or if you’re super religious: “know”)  He preferred the “new cow”, even if the “old cow” changed her scent.

Combining this information with the strangely brilliant notions of Barney Stinson and the enlightenment from Think Like A Man, it not only becomes obvious on how this applies to females and males, but what we should do about it.

                                               Don’t Give Up the Cookie.

It’s the gift that you give to those who are worthy… I hate to say this but boys really don’t have as much game as we like to pretend they do.  In reality, they get us because we want so badly to find someone who actually cares about us that we inevitably start seeing things that aren’t really there.

These are the top 5 types of guys to stay away from:

1.) The Project/Fixer-Upper

-any guy that looks like he could really use some love in his life.  We, as females, are an emotional species, and we like to “mother”.  All boys know this and will use their fake need for TLC to get their sad little fingers up our skirts.

2.) The Athlete/Player

-any guy who says he isn’t looking for a relationship because he doesn’t have time, and his last experience ended badly.  Boys know that those are the magic words that immediately make girls think “Ooh, maybe I’ll be different!”  No, girl, you’re not.

3.) The Friend/Study Buddy

-any guy who is your friend or hangs out with you platonically. Don’t be fooled.  All he wants is the cookie.  These guys usually hurt you the worst because while you were sitting there thinking you had a great friend, inevitably you get it on, and then 6 months later he’s telling you “I mean, I don’t really need you in my life. Sorry.”

4.) The Nerd/Geek/Cornball

-any guy that you become friends with because he has something intelligent to offer, but there is no sexual attraction.  If you engage in sexual congress with this fellow, it is because you feel that he is safe and can never hurt you. HA.  As soon as he gets you, he starts thinking he is the man, and decides you’re no longer good enough for him.

5.) The Asshole

-any guy who has a hot body, a tool personality, and a quick wit.  Think Tucker Max status, but not quite as obviously rude.  Most girls aren’t dumb enough to sleep with a guy that rude, and most boys aren’t dumb enough to think that usually works… the asshole is clever because he can destroy your self-esteem before you even realized it is happening.


Side note– some guys fit more than one of these categories… that makes them extra dangerous.

*Disclaimer: this only applies to females who are tired of getting played… if you’re still in that immature “Well I just wanna have sex and do me” phase then ignore this and, well… do you, boo boo*

“Nobody is gonna wanna buy the ice cream truck if you’re giving out the popsicles for free….” – says everybody’s grandmother or mother at some point.

I’m not a fan of that quote because I don’t consider any time I’ve had sex my giving anything out for free.  The circumstances surrounding each and every one of my encounters involved me giving a piece of myself to whichever guy I had chosen, and inevitably, that wasn’t respected.

For awhile, I was mad, but then I realized something… it’s not their fault.  I truly believe that we all do the best we can with what we have.  Hence, Old Cow Syndrome.

The last, important thing to take away from this is that you do not announce to the guy you’re seeing that you have no intention of sleeping with him, or that you have a five date rule or anything along those lines… Has Friends With Benefits taught you nothing??

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